Question
If you had a $1 million/unit budget to design the best baby stroller possible, what would it be?
Answer
I was asked to answer this question. I have no idea why. I have no kids, and don't plan on having any. But I don't actually dislike kids like some do, and do appreciate the fact that they'll be keeping me alive, with their tax money, in some public retirement home for demented wandering homeless people in 2040. I even enjoy entertaining them for about 5 minutes every month.
So on balance, I'd say babies and their parents deserve good, safe strollers, but enough has been done to optimize and over-engineer for their needs. Time to add features designed for others who must endure babies in the environment.
Here are the features needed, as well as some broader environmental design considerations that include such things as laws. In fact, I'd spend most of the million dollars hiring lobbyists to drive through some of the legislation I am proposing below.
1. Aisle/sidewalk friendly aspect ratio: the stroller would be designed to take up no more than 30% of any public walkway. That means no more than about 20-22 inches wide. A person without a baby should be able to easily overtake without either glaring or apologizing.
2. An anonymous crowd-driven "your baby is annoying" light, which is triggered via bluetooth by any nearby smartphone. The light will glow more brightly if more nearby people trigger it. The parent will not know who is doing the triggering. This light will glow yellow. In states that allow it, the triggering may optionally be substituted by/augmented with, a device that sends a very mild electric shock to the baby if it cries for more than 10 seconds at greater than 70 db.
3. Similar light for the parent, this one will grow red, and possibly spray indelible dye on their hands from the handle.
4. Minimalism: we'd get one of Steve Jobs' people to make the design extremely minimalist, mechanically speaking. Let it collapse, and be strong/light as the parents want, but the rest of us shouldn't have to see these clunky mini-tanks all over the place, ruining nice scenery. We may even impose design standards for colors. We'll let him call it the iStroll, and make it out of brushed aluminum.
5. A ban on more than one pouch like thingie and one drink holder, with federal laws prohibiting things from visibly sticking out in ugly ways ("ugly" to be defined by a jury comprising at least 50 percent childless adults). When I was a kid, strollers held one baby, and that's it. Now they have pockets for magazines, enough diapers and food to survive a small war, an iPad, a lunch, 3 drinks, a smartphone, two chihuahuas, a fold out laptop tray, space for running shoes, a large flatscreen for the baby to watch Finding Nemo on, and of course room for 2-4 babies.
6. Collapse and baby-out in less than 10 seconds rule. If you've ever been caught in an airport security line behind a stroller family you know what I am talking about.
7. Traffic tickets for anyone taking strollers out for trips that involve less than 10 minutes of walking. You can carry the baby. Babies in arms are generally cuter anyway. I might even hold doors open for you and reward your baby with 5 seconds of baby talk and my famous bright smile. If you have a stroller, chances are, I'll be "accidentally" letting doors swing shut in your face.
8. A ban on strollers large enough to hold any baby older than 18 months old. The kid can walk or stay at home. Almost nothing annoys me more than seeing a large kid, clearly old enough to earn a living, sitting in a stroller.
9. A ban on any stroller that can hold two babies in parallel. Two babies in series is okay with a special license. The license would be free for unintended twins, and cost money otherwise, to be earmarked for the social security funds of childless people (the parents should be spacing out the babies so they never have to deal with 2 stroller-age babies at once).
10. License plates to track compliance (and ticketing) to obey a set of new laws. They can keep the new mom/expectant mom parking spaces though. That doesn't bother me, oddly enough.
11. New law: no more than 1 stroller per 50 people in any enclosed space. No more than 1 stroller every 100 square yards in any open space. The strollers will be equipped with devices that detect density that goes over the limit, and electronically reports all the offending strollers.
12. Another new law: at an elevator, a 2-baby stroller must offer right of way to people without babies.
13. It would be illegal to carry grocery bags and push strollers at the same time, unless you have a certified juggler's license from Las Vegas.
14. A village credits scheme. As everyone knows, it takes a village to raise a kid. I'd have a bluetooth device that gives me credits for every 5 minutes I spend near any baby, which would be used up when I used the "baby is annoying" trigger button. Extra credits would go directly into my retirement account. So people who live in baby-heavy areas would get credit for indirectly helping raise them.
15. Laws similar to "clean up after your pet" laws. No bodily fluids or other messes to remain uncleaned for more than 5 minutes.
So on balance, I'd say babies and their parents deserve good, safe strollers, but enough has been done to optimize and over-engineer for their needs. Time to add features designed for others who must endure babies in the environment.
Here are the features needed, as well as some broader environmental design considerations that include such things as laws. In fact, I'd spend most of the million dollars hiring lobbyists to drive through some of the legislation I am proposing below.
1. Aisle/sidewalk friendly aspect ratio: the stroller would be designed to take up no more than 30% of any public walkway. That means no more than about 20-22 inches wide. A person without a baby should be able to easily overtake without either glaring or apologizing.
2. An anonymous crowd-driven "your baby is annoying" light, which is triggered via bluetooth by any nearby smartphone. The light will glow more brightly if more nearby people trigger it. The parent will not know who is doing the triggering. This light will glow yellow. In states that allow it, the triggering may optionally be substituted by/augmented with, a device that sends a very mild electric shock to the baby if it cries for more than 10 seconds at greater than 70 db.
3. Similar light for the parent, this one will grow red, and possibly spray indelible dye on their hands from the handle.
4. Minimalism: we'd get one of Steve Jobs' people to make the design extremely minimalist, mechanically speaking. Let it collapse, and be strong/light as the parents want, but the rest of us shouldn't have to see these clunky mini-tanks all over the place, ruining nice scenery. We may even impose design standards for colors. We'll let him call it the iStroll, and make it out of brushed aluminum.
5. A ban on more than one pouch like thingie and one drink holder, with federal laws prohibiting things from visibly sticking out in ugly ways ("ugly" to be defined by a jury comprising at least 50 percent childless adults). When I was a kid, strollers held one baby, and that's it. Now they have pockets for magazines, enough diapers and food to survive a small war, an iPad, a lunch, 3 drinks, a smartphone, two chihuahuas, a fold out laptop tray, space for running shoes, a large flatscreen for the baby to watch Finding Nemo on, and of course room for 2-4 babies.
6. Collapse and baby-out in less than 10 seconds rule. If you've ever been caught in an airport security line behind a stroller family you know what I am talking about.
7. Traffic tickets for anyone taking strollers out for trips that involve less than 10 minutes of walking. You can carry the baby. Babies in arms are generally cuter anyway. I might even hold doors open for you and reward your baby with 5 seconds of baby talk and my famous bright smile. If you have a stroller, chances are, I'll be "accidentally" letting doors swing shut in your face.
8. A ban on strollers large enough to hold any baby older than 18 months old. The kid can walk or stay at home. Almost nothing annoys me more than seeing a large kid, clearly old enough to earn a living, sitting in a stroller.
9. A ban on any stroller that can hold two babies in parallel. Two babies in series is okay with a special license. The license would be free for unintended twins, and cost money otherwise, to be earmarked for the social security funds of childless people (the parents should be spacing out the babies so they never have to deal with 2 stroller-age babies at once).
10. License plates to track compliance (and ticketing) to obey a set of new laws. They can keep the new mom/expectant mom parking spaces though. That doesn't bother me, oddly enough.
11. New law: no more than 1 stroller per 50 people in any enclosed space. No more than 1 stroller every 100 square yards in any open space. The strollers will be equipped with devices that detect density that goes over the limit, and electronically reports all the offending strollers.
12. Another new law: at an elevator, a 2-baby stroller must offer right of way to people without babies.
13. It would be illegal to carry grocery bags and push strollers at the same time, unless you have a certified juggler's license from Las Vegas.
14. A village credits scheme. As everyone knows, it takes a village to raise a kid. I'd have a bluetooth device that gives me credits for every 5 minutes I spend near any baby, which would be used up when I used the "baby is annoying" trigger button. Extra credits would go directly into my retirement account. So people who live in baby-heavy areas would get credit for indirectly helping raise them.
15. Laws similar to "clean up after your pet" laws. No bodily fluids or other messes to remain uncleaned for more than 5 minutes.